Recap and Revelations

Fun Fact #79: In fifth grade, I made a list of qualities that I want my future husband to have.


Looking at it now, I actually laugh at what I put on that list (spelled exactly as on the paper): "likes Chinese, Philipino foods" "likes fashion, celebs, movies" "likes cats and pomerians (dog)" "likes my figure (shape of body)". I was one strange fifth-grader... Anyway, the reason why I mention this is to communicate this to my readers: what you think you want changes. Now, I don't care if he likes the harp or has blue-green eyes. His favorite season isn't going to be a deal breaker. But there are still certain characteristics that are extremely necessary if I am to marry, or even date, someone.

By writing a prayer journal and completing the 31 prayers linked to in my previous post, I realized what his character should be and what I want our marriage to be like. More importantly, I made surprising revelations about myself that will affect my future relationships.

1. I am very self-centered. Somehow I managed brag about my grades, showcase how I don't listen to secular music, and mention how I banned myself from romantic novels until the end of the quarter--all within three days of journaling! I didn't even think to ask about my husband's status with Jesus until the end of the month. I really hate admitting this truth... Who wouldn't? Jesus, help me realize that the world's not all about me. There's only a couple million other people out there, and a lot of their situations are much worse than my own.

2. I wear a mask to impress people. I know that most of us do, but mine is stuck on pretty tight to my head. During the first days of writing down the prayers, I felt the need to write perfectly without misspelling words and make myself sound so smart and so spiritual. What's so ironic is that in my little "Note to Reader," I said that I was giving him access to my "most sincere prayers." How sincere are prayers that are worded to sound like the best Christian who ever lived? I'll tell you: not very. By the end, I came to the realization that in a prayer journal, there is no one to impress, even if you are planning to give it to someone eventually. Prayers are our conversations with the Lord; since we're human, they're obviously not going to be perfect.

3. If I'm going to have a husband that possess characteristics that I wrote about in the journal, I needed to work on developing the same qualities as well. Why would I deserve the husband I want if I'm not the wife he needs? Flipping through the journal, I realize that I have a long way to go before I'm ready to marry the man of my dreams, and so does he. Listen to Proverbs 12:4, "A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones." Remember, don't try to be the girl he wants; be the woman he needs. (Or...don't try to be the boy she wants; be the man she needs.)

I can confidently say that this process has radically changed my perspective about so many things: who my husband should be (his beliefs, faith, etc.), what God designed marriage as, and what I need to change in order to be the girl he wants to marry and the woman the Lord wants me to be.

What have you discovered when praying for your future spouse?

  

P.S. Dear hubby... I love you and will continue to pray for you daily even after we're all wrinkly! <3 

Destiny, Daydreams, and Dating

Fun Fact #26: I have a very big imagination when it comes to the future... and conspiracy theories, as I'm told by my brother.


It's true! I really do! (At least the first part anyway...) My family can confirm that I will random spout out things that I will do for my future family. For example, I have said that I will marry someone with a small to average-sized forehead, just to make sure my children won't possess a billboard on their faces like I have.* I have also discussed how I want my hubby to be tall...to balance out my midget stature, of course. I will even admit to announcing (only to immediate family obviously) that I want my husband to have money. Since 1) I'm looking into being a teacher, and 2) I want to provide my kids with a Christian education, having digits in the account is a little crucial.

*I know what you're thinking. Just because your spouse has a smaller forehead or is taller in height does not mean your children will be in "the middle ground." Just goes to show how truly delusional I am. :P

But after reading Siri Mitchell's captivating love story titled She Walks in Beauty and watching Clara fight against her family's expectations and commands to pursue true love, my view of my future began shifting. (If you are into historical fiction or romance novels, I highly recommend this book. It felt very real, especially considering it's set in the 1800s.)

I began to realize there was something better than having aesthetically appealing adolescents (alliterations again!): real, pure, honorable, loyal, trusting, kind, forgiving, intimate love that only God can give to you. As the cliche, but extremely true verse says...

" 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' "

--Jeremiah 29:11

Nothing says it better than the Word itself. Jesus doesn't want you to settle just so your babies are proclaimed "the most adorable thing ever" or "a Gerber baby" (I never heard of that before I Goggled "baby compliments, haha) or have the most advanced private schooling. He wants you to be totally in love with the person He designed you to be with for the rest of your life. Perfect features or height may look great at first when deliberating what is dating--or should I say, marriage--material, but what truly matters in a healthy relationship is the size of the heart: for people, for you, and most importantly, for God.

Fantasies aside, what is most vital to you when considering relationships with the opposite gender?

Personal Acceptance

Today, in celebration of "Bloggers Without Makeup Day" (May 14th) I want to talk about acceptance. (At the end you get a prize!) No, I don't mean being accepted by the people at school or at work. To be honest, you can't force anyone into giving approval on what you look like or who you are. You can't just change your image and then be immediately accepted like that. It's not your car, it's not your clothes, it's not even your appearance. When someone really accepts you, it's because of the confidence they see shining through.

However, it's hard to be self-assured when the world tries to force you into believing that you're too thin, too fat, too tall, too short, too whatever. Nobody really has a perfect body or face, even those computer-enhanced supermodels. They are insecure just like you and me. People will insult you when they find something different in you than what you are "supposed to be" according to our society. Their rudeness scars. Insecurities begin surfacing. Your self esteem dwindles continually.

I have been blessed enough to attend a private school my whole life so far. As a result, I've never really been insulted in the face. I thank God for that, because as a really sensitive, emotional person, those insults would really hurt me. Still even the unspoken bruises me sometimes. (I'm going to be really honest right here...) When I look at the mirror, I see so many flaws: freaky mustache, wide face, huge fivehead, forehead acne, flatness in the chestal area, and humongous bottom (for my proportions) just to name a few. But that doesn't mean that I have be insecure about those things that the world considers imperfections.

We all have specific things we don't like about ourselves. Maybe it's your laugh or your the tan from your sunglasses. Maybe it's your weight or white thighs. Maybe others tease you about them. Maybe they put you down because it's them having trouble accepting who they are. We all are insecure in one way or another. However, insulting others is not the way to make yourself feel better. In the long run, it only hurts you more, because one day, someone will knock you down a few pegs and you'll be lost. Watch what you say; it really does have an effect on others.

Don't give up the hope. Our presently dreadful situations allow us to relate to others and reach out to those who are struggling as we did before. The Lord uses our trials as ways to honor Him--if you let Him. Surround yourself with positive people who lift you up when you fall and let you cry on your shoulder. They are the people who made me accept that I will never be tall; in fact, they made me believe that I wouldn't be Kayla without being short! It's those people who really matter, not those who constantly attempt to bring you down.

So I challenge you, be confident in who God made you to be. Pray that you accept who you are and who you are made to be. After all, at the end of our lives, it'll be God judging us (and not on looks either).  Find something you love about yourself and focus on that. Know that you are made in the image of God. Know that what really deserves praise is not what you look to the world, but how you look at the world.

This is a pre-prize! This song has such a great message, and seeing the transformations from what's real to what's wanted is amazing as well.

So here's your prize for reading all of that: the first pictures of me on this blog. Beware, I'm wearing no makeup, only moisturizer...

I think flash makes my blemishes more pronounced...

So I made sure these photos were taken with flash.

I don't have perfect skin. I may look like a boy sometimes because of my curves (or lack thereof). I may look like a fifth grader because of my height. But hey--that's the real me.

What insecurities have you--or have yet to--overcome with God's help?

Back -- And Better Than Ever!

Or at least that's what I'm aiming towards. I did have a blog a couple of years ago, but after a year or two, I eventually stopped posting for some reason. Now, I have come back to the blogging community with a few goals in mind.

1. Write about subjects of substance and relevance to both my readers and me. To be honest, my last blog was a train wreck. At least 99.9% of my posts were just words without meaning. Thinking back, it was full of a lot of bragging: my graduation, my science fair awards, my track meet results. Right now I don't know why people even read it. :D This time around, I aim to be not selfish and boasting, but rather selfless and humble.
2. Record "big days" and other memories. This goal is rather silly (and just might be opposing the first one). Recently, I was on the College Board website, filling out this page that would help for future resumes and applications. One of the areas to fill out was awards that I had received in the past. I remembered most of them, but the website also asked for the dates when I was awarded them... Like I had any clue. I just remembered it was in [fill in the blank] grade, and I was pretty happy and content with life. So I pulled up my old blog in my web browser, and lo and behold, I had written about my "accomplishments" and when I was awarded them. Bingo! So it was a good thing I didn't totally obliterate it.
3. Create an outlet. For many people it's sports. Others prefer art. Some just hold it in. For a while, I have been the last person. Going back in time, I realize that all that pent up emotion did cause several catharses. I've come to see it's not a healthy way to live. I didn't really see sports as an outlet; it was more a social thing for me (sorry to all those who hold sports higher in their lives than I do). I found I'm not all that great at any type of art expect for tracing. :P So I tried diaries... They never really stuck with me. I think others will say they did this same drill I did: buy a really cute diary, write in it religiously for a couple days, then forget about it. It's really sad cause my last one was extremely adorable. See for yourself:

   

   Yes, I even bought the bag AND the stickers!

   I just think blogging is better for me, because there is this accountability you have to account for (haha, repetition) when there are others reading it. But don't worry, we won't have any "OMG, he actually said something to me today!" type of writing. ;)
4. Improve writing skills. Sad, I know. Actually using the internet as a way to help my educational career?! The thing is, I'm a pretty slow writer. It takes a while for me to think about subjects enough that I feel comfortable writing about it. (Just ask my English teacher. He knows how slow I am at writing those practice SAT essays.) I think blogging will aid my overall writing skills by improving (or at least using) a larger vocabulary and learning to think quickly and write fast but thoroughly.
5. Learn opinions from teenagers like me. Since I go to a tiny, tiny Christian school (I'm talking approximately 13 people from freshmen to seniors) and live on an island in the middle of nowhere, I don't get many opinions about how Christians should live in this corrupted culture. I think writing a blog like this would encourage others to voice their own beliefs as well. 
6. Challenge and inspire others in their Christian lives. Probably the most important goal... But first, confession time. I find that going to a private Christian school, attending youth group weekly, going through two Bible studies, and listening to a sermon every Sunday doesn't always provoke me enough. Am I the only one who feels this way? I don't know. It almost feels like Christian authorities are too afraid to speak about things that are directly related to how we live because of how involved many of us are in today's worldly culture and how it might scare us away. Or maybe they're afraid of how it'll affect the way that they personally live. It might just be that it's harder for them to communicate and talk about. I'm not really sure. Nevertheless, I would like to have a place that does present that challenge. Just Christian music or not? Only religious books or not? Those are the things that interest me. And who knows? *shrugs* Maybe on the path of finding what God wants for me, I can inspire others to do the same.

Phew! That took a long time to write. Don't worry, my other blog posts will definitely not be this long. Seeing that I'm on spring break, I actually have time to keep blabbing on like this. Speaking about blab, guess what? Reading it over, there are still a whole bunch of "I"s in it... Haha, I should write that down as a goal: Stop blabbing about myself. :P After all, it's not about me; it's about Him. Hope you all have a great day!

Do you ever find yourself annoyed by people who only talk about themselves only to realize that you do the same thing?